Jesus stops by

Donald Trump Thinks He's a Great Christian

Editor’s Note: As is now becoming a trend, here’s a warning about Ed’s post below. It’s far from politically correct and may offend Christians. As Christians, we reserve the right to not publish pieces that are anti-Biblical. You may read this and think that it falls into that category. In our opinion, it might make a Christian squirm but it won’t do any damage. Substance supersedes style and the substance of the article is important even if we disagree with the style. That’s Ed, and we’re happy to have his perspective here. 

I don’t consider myself to be a very religious person. No, I’m not one of those wacky atheists who reject the existence of God but still yells, “Oh, God! Oh, God,” when he’s copulating with some other wacky atheist. A true atheist should scream, “Oh, Me! Oh, Me!” C’mon, everyone knows that.

Likewise, I’m not one of those “spiritual not religious” types either. My insight into them has always been they want to be able to yell, “Oh, God! Oh, God!”, without the hypocritical hang-ups of the atheist. But then reference their horoscope to see if a pregnancy will occur. Where’s that morning-after pill?

Don’t get me wrong. I believe Jesus walked the earth. I believe he died for my sins. I believe if he were sitting here right now on the couch with me he’d say, “Ed, what you’re about to write is going to offend a lot of religious not spiritual people.” To which I’d say, “You’re damn right. Want to try and stop me?”

In fact, I’d expound on that with the following rant as he sat there stroking his beard:

“Mr. Jesus, maybe you’ve heard . . . we have this big election coming up in November. Oh, you knew? Great. Well, you and your Papa could’ve given us a couple better choices than what we have, ya know? Yeah, you’re right about that: People eventually get what they deserve. But here’s something I don’t understand, and this is what’s kept me out of your franchise locations across the USA for a couple decades now. (On a side note, just between you and me, I thought I had a lot of church attendances in the bank since I was an altar boy and church organist for all those years. Weddings, Stations of the Cross, Christmases and Easters. . . like 5 Masses every time one of those showed up on the calendar, Lent, Funerals, religious classes on Saturday mornings, etc. That’s A LOT of Christianity, well, uh, Catholicism for one kid. I’m sure you understand. Oh, and by the way, thank you for not allowing my path to ever cross with one of those Jerry Sandusky priests. Just sayin’.)

“Where was I? Oh yeah . . . something I don’t understand. Throughout my life I’ve been told how God is everywhere. He watches us. He listens to us. When something bad happens to us, it’s part of God’s plan. If something good happens, then that’s also part of His plan. You get a speeding ticket—part of God’s plan. The cop doesn’t show up for the hearing—part of God’s plan. You knock up a stripper—part of God’s plan. The baby grows up to cure cancer—part of God’s plan. You know, stuff like that.

“Jesus, are you dozing off? I’m just getting to the good part. You need a 5-Hour Energy? Hold on, I’ll be right back.

“There you go. Yeah, drink it all down. Yes, all in one shot. Yes, I know it stinks. Pretend it’s holy wine. When your legs start shaking under that shiny robe you’ll know it’s kicking in.

“Where was I? Oh yeah. I’ve also been told that God—your daddy—will test us. There will be situations where our beliefs, our morals, our character, our integrity will be challenged. Do you park in the handicapped spot with your handicapped mother’s wheelchair sign in the windshield, even though she’s sitting at home? Do you cheat at pub trivia because another team continues to kick your ass week after week after week? Do you deflate the footballs to help your team win? (Sorry not sorry, Patriot fans)

“In addition, there will be others who will try to inflict their own morality. The vegetarians: If you eat meat, you’re going to hell. The environmentalists: If you drive that SUV, you’re going to hell. The wives and girlfriends: If you go the strip club, you’re going to hell.

“So, we have ALL THIS morality and God talk buzzing around everywhere. I mean, there’s so much of it, even the Zika mosquitoes are saying, “Damn!”

“And then . . . there are the Christians stumping for Trump. Like those other groups, these people claim if I don’t think like they do regarding the idiot, I’m going to hell. Well, technically, they say I must want Hillary to win, which is pretty much like saying I’m going to hell. The funny (not funny) part is they freely admit that Trump is the lesser of two evils.

“Jesus, I gotta tell ya. That sounds a lot like–

“Yes, moral relativism. Suddenly these morality policemen have become as open-minded as a 20 year old yoga instructor.

“Now, what’s funny, to the vegetarians, whether I pick ham or steak, it’s still wrong to them. To the environmentalists, whether I pick the Hummer or the Sherman tank, either choice is wrong to them. To the wives and girlfriends, whether I go to Olympic Gardens or The Library (Yes, that’s a real strip club. C’mon Jesus, you can’t play clueless with me.), it’s going to enrage them.

“It wouldn’t matter to the vegetarians if every other single person in the world made the choice of ham or streak. With me, they’d still expect me to order the salad. For the environmentalists, they’d still expect me to torture myself with the Prius. For the significant others, they’d still expect me to sit at home and watch them parade around the house in their mumu’s.

“However, when it comes down to the choice of The Donald, certain Christians INSIST us outsiders—us Never Trumpers–must pick him. Thus, everything is flipped upside down like those scenes in Inception. I mean, suddenly, the vegetarian/environmentalist/spouses are more consistent than the people who major in being consistent.

“Honest to your Dad, I don’t get it.

“But to make sure I tie this up in a bow for the reader—yes, yes, I know you already understand, Senor Jesus. The vegetarian is NEVER going to tell a person to choose one meat over another. The environmentalist is NEVER going to tell someone to buy the Lamborghini instead of the Ferrari. Wives and girlfriends are NEVER going to tell their men to visit Scores instead of The Spearmint Rhino.

“But somehow, some way, good Christians—alleged masters of morality (oh, I love that)–this election season have insisted I must pick Trump. I must give in. I must compromise. Why? Because that’s what they’re going to do. That’s what millions of Americans are going to do. Because Hillary. Because Trump. Because Obama. Because Tom Cruise (okay, maybe not)

“Moreover, if I asked them if going to the strip club is wrong, they’d say yes. If I cheated on my wife (no, I’m not married), they’d say yes that’s wrong. Neither of which, in the grand scheme of things, is going to collapse the world. In fact, on anything outside of politics, these good Christians would find some moral angle. It’s as if a small wrong choice on my part is worse than electing a con man/charlatan/carnival barker President of the USA. I’m sorry, I’m important. But I’m not THAT important.”

“I’m sure if I could confront all of these Christian moral relativists at the same time, and I insisted that this election was a test of their character, they’d scoff and say, “Hey, it’s just politics.” Not one of them ever contemplating that your Padre could test our moral fiber in politics as well.

“The truth, and I’ve only begun to understand this recently, is that the reason the USA is in the condition it is in, the reason terrorists continue to live, the reason babies continue to be killed, the reason our borders are sketchy at best, the reason Russia can invade a sovereign country and get away with it, the reason North Koreans can continue to live in filth, the reason China throws Christians in jail every day, the reason homosexuals are thrown from rooftops at will, the reason . . . oh, you get the point, Jesus? Good . . .

“The reason this all continues every day is because we’ve labored to take the morality out of politics. Instead of looking at things from right and wrong, the USA has looked at things as ‘what can be done, and what can’t be done.?’ Which is funny (not funny) considering that Ronald Reagan’s main reason for taking down the USSR—despite everyone saying it was impossible– was because it was . . . well . . . allow me to use his words, (this was a quote made in front of the National Association of Evangelicals, coincidentally)

“’Let us beware that while they [Soviet rulers] preach the supremacy of the state, declare its omnipotence over individual man, and predict its eventual domination over all the peoples of the earth, they are the focus of evil in the modern world…. I urge you to beware the temptation …, to ignore the facts of history and the aggressive impulses of any evil empire, to simply call the arms race a giant misunderstanding and thereby remove yourself from the struggle between right and wrong, good and evil.’

“Right and wrong. Good and evil. I’m shocked, Jesus. SHOCKED. How dare he make a moral judgment within the boundaries of a political problem! How. Dare. He.

“So, the most successful act by the Federal Government in the last 70 years was based on seeing something that is evil and calling it such. While a short 30 years later we Never Trump people are told we must put our morality to the side in politics.

“Jesus, I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I don’t want to have anything to do with these types of Christians. They’re hypocrites, they’re scapegoaters, and they’re killin’ this country.

“I think I’ve said enough. What do you think? Do you think I ticked them off? Good. Before you go, can I ask you a question? Am I getting into heaven?

“Hey, where’d you go . . . Jesus . . . damn, I hate it when he does that.”

Ed Dentzel

Ed is an author, talk show host, and blogger living in Madeira Beach, FL, after 13 years in Las Vegas. Originally from Leechburg, PA, he is a 1993 graduate of Grove City College. When he isn’t obsessing over politics, his Pirates, and Steelers, he can be found on the nearest beach or disc golf course. Ed can be emailed at: edwarddentzel AT His show plays M-F 11pm, Eastern on