Good evening. Tonight, I am pleased to accept the nomination of the LATHER (Lucid Alternative to Trump and Hillary, Ex-Republican) Party. As it has become customary upon accepting a party’s nomination for the nominee to announce what he intends to do for his fellow citizens, let me begin by doing just that.
I will leave you alone.
It isn’t that I’ll be doing nothing. I intend to be quite busy leaving you alone – and seeing to it that the bureaucrats, regulators, and other assorted busybodies that comprise the federal leviathan do the same. And I have no illusion that the task of leaving you alone will be easy. For one thing, I’ll only be able to change out the political appointees in the bureaucracy – the career mischief-makers will still be there, making mischief. Then there’s the federal judiciary, which I’ll be able to affect only gradually.
But there are many ways I can begin leaving you alone immediately, and I intend to do just that. One thing we’ve learned recently, for example, is that “prosecutorial discretion” gives the president an extraordinary amount of latitude. So much, in fact, that he can direct the federal enforcement apparatus to essentially overlook designated categories of offenses if the perpetrators are “otherwise law abiding.” I intend to make ample use of this principle, starting with the Internal Revenue Service.
Millions of otherwise law abiding Americans live in fear that some oversight or miscalculation will result in financial ruin, or even the loss of their liberty. Of course, we don’t excuse tax evasion, but we must also understand that most who cheat on their taxes only do so to provide a better standard of living for themselves and their families. As a compassionate nation, surely we don’t want to leave children without a mother or father by imprisoning a parent for a nonviolent offense like underpayment of taxes.
I am therefore pleased to announce that as my first official act I will issue an Executive Order instructing the IRS to limit all income tax enforcement activities, including audits, to individuals with annual incomes in excess of $10 million and corporations with annual incomes in excess of $1 billion. There should be plenty there to keep them busy. Furthermore, any persons and companies under these thresholds who have underpaid their taxes over the past 10 years can come forward with the assurance that they will not be prosecuted so long as they promise to obey all tax laws from this point forward. It’s long past time to bring these otherwise law abiding families and business owners out of the shadows.
But I’m not stopping with the IRS. I won’t just leave you alone at tax time. I’ll leave you alone in your home, your school, and your neighborhood. I’ll leave you alone in your church, your doctor’s office, and your city council.
You have probably seen the movie The Grapes of Wrath. It ends with Tom Joad, played by Henry Fonda, making a speech to his mother about how, despite his physical separation from her, she will be able to see his presence in all sorts of places, from the laughter of children about to eat to the violence of “a cop beating up a guy.” “I’ll be there” he assures us. Kind of like our federal government now. There. Always there.
Well, you can think of me as the anti-Tom-Joad – wherever you look, I won’t be there. Where there’s a school that thinks its bathrooms are suitable to their purpose as-is, I won’t be there. Where there’s a business owner who wants to operate according to the dictates of his personal convictions, I won’t be there. Where there’s a homeowner who wants to build a playhouse in his backyard, the presence of a puddle notwithstanding, I won’t be there. Where there’s a local zoning board that wants to determine a minimum lot size for a housing subdivision, I won’t be there. Where there’s a state legislature that finds it advisable to ensure that voters are U.S. citizens, I won’t be there.
I won’t be there when PC bullies yell because they can’t control political discourse. I won’t be there when kids laugh while pointing water pistols at each other without fear of repercussion. And when the people are keeping the money they earn and associating with those of their own choosing – I won’t be there, either.
Wherever you look, fearing the impending presence of yet another nanny-state intrusion into your life and the life of your community, I won’t be there. I’ll be busy trying to keep others from being there.
You have my word.